7. Suspended ESPN talking heads.
The network has sucked since Keith Olbermann left. And that was 20 years ago. Dan Le Batard? It’s not possible to give less of Le Crap.
6. What [insert movie star] looks like dressed as [insert superhero]
If as many people gave as big of a shit about Citizens United as they did about Baffleck/Batman, campaign finance reform would be enacted, and one single identifiable thing might improve in this country.
5. Chuck Norris
Dear Internet: Next time we pick a two-bit celebrity to star in an interminable meme that mutates like a virus and lasts for years, let’s not make him a right-wing shit.
4. 50 Shades of Grey
It did for BDSM what Ronald Reagan did for astrology.
3. Things That Matter, by Charles Krauthammer
Once he was one of the few braying mules in the bestiary of conservative commentary who could mount a cogent argument worth considering. Ever since he
became a Sith lord joined FOX News, he’s just as bestial as the rest of them. Also, the title of this book is insipid, and reminds me of These Things I Believe, the spoken word album Homer Simpson owns.
2. John Kerry
The Democrat’s answer to Mitt Romney. Out of touch, prickly, pompous, and such a douche he lost an election to a guy who presided over the worst four-year period a president’s had in the White House since James Buchanan. And this is who we send to the Middle East to engage in sensitive diplomacy? Fie, Barack, fie. If you want a Peace Prize you might actually deserve, you have to dispatch someone more likable, like Ann Coulter. George Zimmerman will solve the Israeli-Palestine crisis before John Kerry.
1. [tie] Ebola, Justin Bieber
My hearts breaks for the victims of the outbreak in Africa, which is a dire situation that demands the world’s attention. But Wolf Blitzer, dude, Ebola is only spread by exchange of bodily fluids, so unless we’re all sucking the cock of someone with Ebola, to completion, and then swallowing, we’re probably gonna be okay here in the suburbs. Stop riling up the ignorant for ratings. As for the Biebz, I want never to hear of him again unless it’s in a news story about Ebola.