Hilarity & Hijinx Ensue: A Look at What’s Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SEASON is upon us. Here are some upcoming films I recommend:

 

Action:

All Fired Up

In a world where corruption reigns king, the only way up means stepping over your fellow man. Career plumber Jake Rocke (Channing Tatum) is sick of being walked on.  He takes on the evil Uni-Con Global Corporation the only way he knows how – one punch at a time.  Uni-Con scientist Dr. Suzie McNamara (Jessica Alba) has just discovered the terrible secret her boss, Uni-Con head Malcolm Prynne (Nicolas Cage) is willing to keep hidden – at any cost!  Rocke teams up with the good doctor, only to find that sometimes the biggest battle is with your own heart.  No one can deny that Rocke is indeed All Fired Up.  Explosions on screen and between our heroes will knock you right out of your seats!  With Michael Caine (I See the Wind Is Red) as evil scientist Dr. Hugo Malfone, and Shaquille O’Neal as Prynne’s sadistic henchman, Dogstar.

 

Drama:

Murder on Fire

There are some crime scenes even the toughest policemen can’t handle, but beat detective Vittorio O’Ryan (Al Pacino) is tougher than tough. His mother’s Italian, his father’s Irish, and he’s all cop.  Still, when the Origami Killer (Christopher Walken) resurfaces to kidnap O’Ryan’s ex-wife Dr. Sally Peters (Scarlett Johansson), leaving a trail of bodies in his wake, O’Ryan’s world falls apart. Only two weeks left until retirement, but O’Ryan can’t back out of this one. With the help of street-smart new partner Emmanuel Lincoln (Samuel L. Jackson), O’Ryan must fight both his nemesis the Origami Killer, as well as his own conflicted emotions. These two grizzled cops must race against the clock and expose the seamy underbelly of the city. With Michael Caine (from All Fired Up) as stern but understanding Commander Kipsey of Scotland Yard.

 

Comedy:

In the Rough

See what happens when two bumbling would-be con artists stumble into the biggest heist of the century!  Cap McAllister (Tracy Morgan) and Moe Mobley (Jonah Hill) are lovable losers who just can’t catch a break!  Their latest get-rich-quick scheme lands them in the middle of a plot to build a golf course at a posh country club…and in a lot of hot water!  Unbeknownst to them, the General’s two sassy daughters (Mila Kunis and Katherine Heigl) are plotting to get back at Daddy (Kelsey Grammer), who runs the club, for getting them engaged to Morty Slyster (Brendan Frasier) and Buckley Finch (Sean William Scott), the two richest and meanest bachelors in the county…or are they?!  Hilarity and hijinks ensue as Cap and Moe try to right their wrongs and build the best darn golf course they can, thwarting the dastardly plans of Slyster and Finch!  Love and laughter follow in what is one of the hottest new comedies!  Featuring many of today’s best and brightest rising young stars, and two very special cameos by Betty White as the grouchy caretaker, Ms. Crunch, and Michael (Murder on Fire) Caine as psychiatrist Dr. Bluber!

 

Mina Kunis stars in "In the Rough."

Teen:

More or Less

The students of Larbage High, called “Garbage” High by rival school St. Bart’s, have returned the insult with St.“Barf’s.”  As tensions run high, the class presidents of each school realize that a unified prom maybe the only way to promote town spirit for the upcoming Bicentennial Parade.  Unfortunately, the only way they can convince their peers is by pretending to date each other – no easy task for Rachel Moore (Amanda Seyfried), the rich but shy St. Bart’s priss, or for Mattie Monroe (Tyler Lautner), captain of the swim team and well-known heartbreaker at public-school Larbage.  Their fake relationship is a cause of mirth among their friends, and in private these two can’t seem to get along.  But as they get to know each other, they find out that they are not quite as different as they originally thought, and they end up having the best senior year ever!  Michael Caine (In the Rough) makes a comedic turn as guidance counselor Mr. Nuggle.  Tina Yothers appears as herself.  With a soundtrack by today’s hottest bands mostly doing hit songs from the eighties and some hip-hop and rap thrown in.

 

Sci-Fi:

Quantum Orbit

The future is no place for individuals; corporations have long since taken over the identity of Earth’s citizens.  One man, Citizen Lee (Will Smith), names himself “Adam” in a sudden epiphany, and his eyes are opened to the world.  The Capitalistics, a super-race of commercial beings, realize that he has overthrown his control circuits, and they set out to “neutralize” him.  Adam discovers an underground resistance led by plucky “X” (Jennifer Lopez), whose plan is to flee to Mars and destroy the Earth, or what has become of it.  A special police squad of Capitalistics, headed by the feared Master Judas (Christian Bale) will stop at nothing to uncover the operations of the Resistance and crush its members.  Adam, torn between saving his fellow man and destroying the planet, finds himself in a predicament he never could have imagined.  Sexy Capitalistic Master Delilah (Famke Janssen) may have the solution for everyone, but can Adam trust her? Michael Caine (of the recent hit More or Less) as the voice of Dody, the automaton that spies for the Resistance.

 

Romance:

The Laws of Love

Well-to-do Jane Baldwin (Diane Lane) and wrong-side-of-the-tracks Hector Carcione (Patrick Dempsey) fell in love in high school.  A romance forbidden by her father Garrison (Sean Connery) quickly became a consuming desire to escape his presence. Sent to a foreign school her junior year, plucky Jane tried to hide her painful past by becoming a first-rate lawyer. Hector, never able to understand Jane’s disappearance, was so broken that he never made it to college, instead becoming a ruthless drug dealer with a keen sense of business. When Jane returns home to care for her dying father, a chance encounter at the ice rink brings our two star-crossed lovers literally crashing back into each other’s life.  Falling back in love again was never so easy, but also never so hard.  On his deathbed, Garrison reveals that Jane and Hector are in fact, half-siblings. While Hector must endure the confusion on the streets of being part-blue blood, Jane must use her best lawyer skills to find a legal loophole that will allow their forbidden love to become a reality. Look for Michael (Quantum Orbit) Caine as Judge O’Connor.  Directed by Nora Ephron.

 

Horror:

Bloody Summer Grave Party

Nice girl Nikki Swanson (Evan Rachel Wood) just landed a summer job at Camp Wallawee.  The other counselors are nice, and soon they have taught Nikki how to party.  What no one realizes is that deep in the woods is a deranged rapist-killer who was once a patient of Nikki’s mom, psychiatrist Ruth Vernon (Shannon Tweed), whose past with the camp is fraught with secrets. Co-counselor Brandon Arnett (Jason Biggs) is Nikki’s new best friend, but he finds himself more and more attracted to her partying ways.  When the psycho (Ralph Macchio) strikes, Nikki, Brandon, Ruth, and a handful of disposable campers find themselves lost in the woods with nothing to help them and everything to fear.  It is up to Nikki to put the years of terror to rest, but can she do it in time? With Michael Caine (The Laws of Love) and Quentin Tarrantino as the inbred Calloway twins.

 

Cult:

The Eight-Chambered Flypaper

Crispin Glover weirds the hell out of everyone in this modern-day fairy tale about a man with no heart in search of a woman with two. Oddball scientist Dr. Manky (Glover) has finally discovered the process to remove his heart. One hundred years of wandering the planet follow, in which Manky does not age and ceases to feel. Prostitute Corey (Marisa Tomei) has found new success as a roller derby queen – her body’s two hearts allow her to crush the competition. Manky is drawn to her exuberance and discovers her secret. Her hearts beat for the both of them, equalizing their differences, and they fall in love. But their love can only save one of them, or ruin them both. John Turturro and Parker Posey appear as the eccentric neighborhood horticulturists whose garden holds more secrets than Manky could guess, and Michael Caine (Academy Award Nominee*) makes an appearance as the blind, drunk manager of the roller derby, Roscoe Barton.  (*Best Supporting Actor for Bloody Summer Grave Party.)

 

Foreign:

Je Veux Que La Vente C’est Rouge (I See The Wind Is Red)

Juliette Binoche, Gerard Depardieu, and Michale Caine (The Eight-Chambered Flypaper) star in this riveting film from director MiflabMegheighnseltaros.  No one in the tiny town of Loristat can understand why the local cats smell so strange. Out-of-work circus strongman BeLat (Depardieu) comes to town to try to rid the citizenry of their feline problem, but at the same time he falls in love with Dusana (Binoche), the smelling-impaired, blind purveyor of handmade coat hangers. Varova (Caine), the aging cat-lover, Casanova, and town podiatrist finds that his luck with women fails as the cat odor begins to disappear.  Dusana, born blind and stubbornly proud, finds her world shattered as she begins to regain her sight – is it from the love of BeLat?  The decline of the feline stench? Or something else entirely? Trying to solve all these problems falls into the lap of Zersore (sizzling newcomer Bako St. Puistes), who, as head of Quality Control at the Ruler Factory, finds that there is more than meets the eye to each of the characters.  Everyone has something to gain – and everything to lose – when change blows into this old-fashioned town.  Can this quirky community survive?  Only love and the power of hope can intercede.  In Basque with English subtitles, except for Caine, who speaks English with a vague, unplaceable European accent.

 

E! Entertainment Biography Series:

Ubiquity: The Career of Michael Caine

A look at the life story and filmography of the popular Cockney actor.  Interviewed by Ryan Gosling.

For Michael Caine, it's a pretty good year.

Brady Richards

About Brady Richards

Brady Richards is a freelancer of various ilks. As for his only published novel, one critic wrote, "When reading it, I couldn't decide whether Richards is a horrible writer or an innovative comic genious [sic]."
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2 Responses to Hilarity & Hijinx Ensue: A Look at What’s Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

  1. Phat B says:

    Nice. Stole this one from Jen Statsky on Twitter. “What if the one that got away, suddenly got IN your way?” Every Day Is A Winding Road, starring Sheryl Crow and Michael Caine. Or the Danish Remake, Every Day Is A Nicholas Winding Refn, starring Noomi “don’t call me Naomi” Rapace and Michael Fassbender Caine.

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