Corporations ARE People. Mitt is Proof.

 

“CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, my friend.”

Of all the bizarre off-the-cuff utterances that have emanated from the maw of the Republican candidate for president—and there have been plenty—none elicited a higher level of WTF than that doozy.

At the time, it seemed that Mitt Romney was either a) endorsing the odious Citizens United ruling (which alone should disqualify him for higher office), b) correcting the gentleman who was heckling him, or c) both. After watching the Rombot in action for the last few months, however, I’ve come up with a different take on his comment: he’s informing us that corporations are people, because he himself is a corporation.

Think about it. If corporations were literally people, and you were to imagine what one might look like, is there a single human being who’d come to mind more readily than Willard Mitt Romney?

Corporation as person.

You know how in the Madagascar movies, the monkeys all pile together in an overcoat to pass as a human? Same deal with Mitt! He’s a pile of preferred stock in Mom jeans and Mormon underwear. Ann is not his wife; she’s the CEO of Mitt Romney, Inc. His sons are not offspring but subsidiaries. His wealthy backers are shareholders. That offshore account in the Caymans is not a tax dodge but a bumbling relative—Mitt Inc.’s version of Roger Clinton. And every purchase he makes, from the dressage horse to the car elevator, is done solely for business reasons.

Looked at this way, it all comes into focus. Romney’s curious inability to relate to the common man—or even the uncommon man—becomes perfectly understandable. The $10,000 wager with Rick Perry during the debate, the namedropping of the NASCAR owner as proof of autoracing fandom, the use of the word sport, without the s—all of these gaffes are the result of Mitt being the world’s first corporation-as-person.

His ability to sleep at night while amassing his fortune by what Newt Gingrich called “vulture capitalism,” his makes-John-Kerry-look-like-Ricky-Gervais sense of humor, his bloated net worth ($250 million is pocket change for a Fortune 500 outfit), even his failure to see the fundamental bookkeeping error in his tax plan (cut taxes + lower the debt = not mathematically possible)—proof positive that what we’re dealing with is not a man, and not a robot, but an S-corp.

Too, his incurable tendency to vacillate on policy points now makes sense. Smart companies adapt to changing business environments, as anyone who has yawned through a seminar which draws heavily on Who Moved My Cheese well knows. So when Romney condemns Obamacare despite the fact that it was his idea and greatest achievement as governor of Massachusetts, he’s not flip-flopping; he’s tweaking his business strategies to make them compatible with Best Practices. This is mendacious behavior for a human being, but for a corporation, it’s business as usual, just another day at the office. Do we accuse McDonald’s of waffling when they make the menu healthier? Of course not; we applaud them for adapting to changing values.

The birthers have spent the last four years demanding to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate in a quixotic attempt to reset the clock to 2008 on a technicality, like when Olympic sprinters found guilty of juicing have their gold medals taken away. But Joe Arpaio and Donald Trump are barking up the wrong Obamaple. They should turn their attention to their own “man.” There’s no such document in his safe, it says here, just articles of incorporation.

 

Greg Olear

About Greg Olear

Greg Olear (@gregolear) is a founding editor of The Weeklings and the author of the novels Totally Killer and Fathermucker, an L.A. Times bestseller. He lives in New Paltz, N.Y.
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8 Responses to Corporations ARE People. Mitt is Proof.

  1. Elissa’s post about Rombot was amazing, but I think this one cinches you Weeklings as my new favorite group of writers. Just subscribed to your site. Keep it coming!

  2. Caleb Powell says:

    Microsoft = $250 Billion Market Cap + 94,000 employees.

    Those employees are people.

    People are a component of corporations.

    The end.

    (Yes, the Citizens United ruling adds context, but his statement was not that horrific. It was a reasonable comment to make when anti-business people try to separate how businesses effect people without looking at the fact that businesses employ people. The Kerry-Gervais comment quite funny, but hey, it’s off point. I think protesting against Mitt’s “corporations are people” comment illuminates how out of touch a side of the left is with the realities of finance and economy.)

    • Major Weekling says:

      I love your comments, Caleb. Love.

      Actually, I give him props for being honest when saying that. At least it is consistent with his position and not obvious pandering bullshit.

      Your larger point, ugh, I might have to write a whole new post…

    • Kelvin says:

      Just because people are one of a component of the Corporation does not mean that the Corporation is people. That is like saying that your body contains bacteria and parasites and therefore, you are also a bacteria and parasite. Those people who cannot make the distinction is the one whose really out of touch.

  3. Kelvin says:

    Actually, if Corporations are people; that would mean they can be elected to run in the Presidential campaign and become President. Just imagine, one day we can actually have Exxon as our next President with Goldman Sach as our Vice President.

    And if we want to continue down the line of thinking that Corporations are people and since people get to own Corporations. Then logically, we can conclude that people should be allowed to own other people. Hmm… that sounds a bit familiar… I believe there is a word for that… oh yeah… I think it was called “slavery”. Perhaps, Romney’s real agenda is to bring back slavery and have it legalize once again. Way to go, Master Romney.

    • Caleb Powell says:

      Kelvin, let me school you in False Analogy 101.

      Correct analogy: Humans are flesh and blood = Corporations are people.
      Correct analogy: Humans are bone and skin = Corporations are people.

      Way effing incorrect analogy: Humans are bacteria = Corporations are people.

      And to eviscerate you in Sentential Logic 101:

      You hypothesize as evidence: People can be elected president, corporations can’t, thus corporations are not people.

      Therefore: People can be elected presidents, a basketball team can’t, and thus a basketball team ain’t people.

      Didn’t Obama play on a basketball team in his past?

      Kelvin, I’d suggest a Simple Present 101 course as well, but your head is probably spinning. Be thankful I didn’t shred your other silly statements. And make no mistake, they were silly.

      • Kelvin says:

        Hey Caleb,

        My analogy is quite correct. If you know anything about science, you will know that a average human consist of on average 40,000 bacterial species just in the gut alone. The body also consists of about 9 million bacteria genes and 1 trillion microbial cells. As a matter of fact, a lot of these beneficial bacteria are essential to the survival of the human body. So therefore, it is a necessary and essential “component” of a human body.

        Of course, I can see your confusion since you and many Republicans act so much like bacteria and parasites that it is hard to distinguish from people.

        Yes, Obama played basketball; I do not know for a fact if he had ever joined a basketball team. But just because he played basketball and/or have played in a basketball team does not make his whole team part of his Presidency. You see, Obama is the President. People who played basketball with him or his team mates are not. See the distinction here. Perhaps the concept is a little over your head. Science has never been many Republicans’ strong suit. It is like teaching a Chimpanzee how to do Calculus. Its probably not going to happen.

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