IN WHICH I put on my Nostradamus hat, which I’m pleased to call a chapeau, and reveal my forecasts for the next 364 days.
January: Allah Cadabra
At his second inauguration ceremony, President Barack Obama shocks Chief Justice John Roberts—and the rest of the country—by producing a well-worn Koran from his jacket pocket and insisting that he take the oath of office on “the one true holy book.” Afterward, Obama kneels on a Mecca-facing prayer rug, muttering the words “Allahu Akbar” over and over for five full minutes, before standing up and shouting, “That’s right! I’m a Muslim, motherfucker! Nothing you can do about it now!” In the Fox News studio, Bill O’Reilly dies of apoplexy.
Also this month: The nation goes over the “fiscal cliff,” but bounces right back with the aid of an Obama-rigged “fiscal bungie cord.”
February: How Did You Like the Oscars, Mrs. Lincoln?
Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor for his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg’s epic. He does not attend the ceremony—“Did you see the movie? No way I set foot in a theater full of rabidly political actors!”—and the award is accepted on his behalf by his personal assistant, Andrew Johnson.
Also this month: NRA chieftain Wayne LaPierre calls a press conference, announces that if citizens were allowed to bring concealed assault rifles into Ford’s Theater in 1865, John Wilkes Booth would have been “taken out” before he got to Lincoln.
March: 50 Shades of Harry Potter
The Guardian breaks the story that the author of the 50 Shades books, E.L. James, is really a pseudonym for another writer who uses her initials instead of her full name, J.K. “Just Kidding” Rowling. Emma Watson, who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, confirms the rumors that she is set to play Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Grey motion picture, opposite Ralph Fiennes as Christian “He Who Shan’t Be Named” Grey.
Also this month: Buckwild’s Shae becomes the new pop-cultural Snooki, as West Virginia tourism goes through the coal-blackened roof.
April: Altered States
After decades of second-class citizenship, Puerto Rico is granted full-fledged statehood. Two weeks later, Israel and Palestine become states no. 52 and 53, thus ending their 65-year conflict. Bibi Netanyahu immediately becomes the prohibitive Republican presidential candidate for 2016; Rush Limbaugh, unconvinced, declares him “too soft on his support for Israel.”
Also this month: Opening Day in major league baseball, as the Mets are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.
May: From Russia With Love
On the 400th anniversary of Tsar Michael Romanov’s coronation that ended the so-called Time of Troubles in Russia, a hedge-fund guy from Brighton Beach named Dmitri Romanoff lays claim to the vacant throne, explaining that he is the grandson of Tsar Nicholas II’s daughter Anastasia. He ousts Putin from power, declares himself “Emperor of all the Russias,” seizes the oil companies, and frees Pussy Riot.
Also this month: Marvel Comics reveals its plan to reboot the Spider-Man franchise within the first installment of the latest Spider-Man reboot.
June: Breaking Dawn
Mitt Romney announces he is leaving his wife of 44 years, Ann Lois Romney née Davies, for his new girlfriend, Kristen Stewart. “When I watched her last year in Breaking Dawn, I fell instantly in love with her. She’s just so animated, so emotional, so teeming with life. She reminds me of me.” Stewart says: “He’s the only guy I’ve ever dated whose net worth is more than mine.” Later that month, Romney’s son Tagg punches Robert Pattinson in the face at New York nightclub W.i.P.
Also this month: Wayne LaPierre announces that the NRA’s annual convention will be held in Newtown, Conn.
July: Splitting Heirs
After approximately six quintillion magazine articles concerning “the royal bump,” Princess Kate gives birth to a baby girl, called Victoria, after Victoria Beckham. All of England falls into a collective funk that the baby is female, and thus not a suitable heir to the throne. “While we are overjoyed at the prospect of a new generation of royals, we are disappointed that the baby is not a boy,” the Queen issues in a statement. “Boys are better than girls, and kings are better than queens. Great Britain has never been ruled successfully by a woman, other than Elizabeth I, Victoria, and I.”
Also this month: Massive power outage in the Southwest as temperatures hit 114 degrees Fahrenheit. Texas governor Rick Perry says the grid “is the technological equivalent of Pong,” mispronouncing technological, but resists federal aid.
August: Mein Kraft
President Obama pre-empts primetime TV to announce that a drone strike has killed Isa Muhammed Ali, the current leader of al Qaeda. “See? Drone strikes are the best,” he says. “We might even say they are ‘da bomb.’” He does not announce that Isa is ten, or that his alleged “terrorist plots” all involve chat room exchanges on his uncle’s Minecraft server. Nor does he explain that U.S. drone strikes have killed many more children than Adam Lanza.
Also this month: Massive earthquake reduces Haiti to rubble, but no one notices because a major sports star comes out as “a proud gay man.” (I won’t say who, but his name rhymes with “Hebron Names”).
September: Apple of Your i
Apple introduces its latest and most revolutionary telephone product, the iCall. Found in some papers recently discovered by the estate of Steve Jobs, the iCall is, in the words of Apple CEO Tim Cook, “the essence of simplicity.” Forgoing all “bells and whistles,” the iCall is a banana-shaped plastic device with a nine-button analog keypad that is just a telephone. The limited-edition iCall 1.0 retails at $599.
Also this month: Ann Coulter announces that her entire career has been one long piece of conceptual art, satirizing the role of both media and killer gams in the popular culture. “I actually voted for Jill Stein,” she says at the release of the documentary, Counter Coulter. Marina Abramović lauds Coulter as “a true genius; a visionary.”
October: Real Genius
Jennifer Kabat, Sean Beaudoin, and Greg Olear are among the recipients of The Macarthur Foundation “genius grants” for their pioneering work with The Weeklings. “It’s not easy, putting together a high-quality product when you have no budget,” the press release reads. “We on the committee read the site every day, and we think everyone should. We hope these grants will help keep our favorite new blog online for years to come.”
Also this month: Another snowstorm on the East Coast, another mid-sized city destroyed by a “100-year” hurricane, another GOP Congressman denies man-made climate change.
November: Koch Suckers
Due to the Arctic ice shelves melting much faster than anticipated, the last polar bear dies. The Koch Brothers, horrified at the extinction of such a fine animal, pledge to devote all their resources to the reversal of what they now acknowledge is global warming. Nah, just kidding—they’ll continue to rape the earth and use their vast wealth to abet politicians who give them even more generous tax breaks.
Also this month: Metta Word Peace, formerly Ron Artest, changes his name to Nobel Laureate. Wayne LaPierre calls a press conference and performs fellatio upon the barrel of a Bushmaster assault rifle; his impressive ability to deep throat is much remarked upon.
December: The Naked Truth
Julian Assange uploads to WikiLeaks a treasure trove of classified information, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that 1) JFK was assassinated by the CIA, 2) 9/11 was an inside job, 3) the Iraq invasion was all about oil, and 4) the Federal Reserve is owned by foreign banks, who steal money from U.S. taxpayers—but no one is paying attention because among the official documents are explicit nude photographs of an orgy involving Kate Upton, Rihanna, Mina Kunis, Katy Perry, Megan Fox, Ke$ha, Ke$ha’s ghost lover, Ryan Lochte, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgård, Idris Elba, Gloria Steinem, and, improbably, New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
Also this month: Santa Claus is killed when the CIA mistakes him for an al Qaeda leader and a drone strike blows his sleigh out of the sky.
#13 BONUS PREDICTION: Most of this stuff won’t happen.