What Mitt says: “America cannot continue to lead the family of nations around the world if we suffer the collapse of the family here at home.”
What he really means: “Have I blinded you with enough gay-code yet? No? Well, how about this: Alexander the Great may have conquered the world, but his empire collapsed primarily because he discovered antiquity’s first butt plug. If he’d just married and had a few kids, we’d all be speaking Macedonian right now.”
The Truth: We don’t even lead a family of our own states, let alone other countries. The only “family of nations” is across the street at Bob and Debbie’s house.
What Mitt says: “When sperm and egg unite, something goes from inanimate to animate. It is life.”
What he really means: “But that newly animated life better not apply for Head Start. Or want state-subsidized ketchup on its french fries. And when it’s a hundred thousand in debt after graduating from college, since we cynically gutted Pell grants, it better get a job at a venture capital firm pretty damn quick. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if it made the personal choice to be hetero prior to dividing into a gamete.”
The Truth: Death also begins at conception, like a clock running backward.
What Mitt says: “I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success.”
What he really means: “I’m rich, bitch. You think I’m giving any of my stack back? I worked hard for those eleven houses. And, you know, it didn’t hurt that my dad was rich, too. I mean, I still pulled myself up by my vicuna bootstraps. Nature vs. nurture and such. But it’s not like I had anything that any other hardworking American boy didn’t have, like a governor father, or private prep schools, or tutors, or summer homes, or winter homes, or even a salt of the earth name like Mitt.”
The Truth: This election is 100% about class war, and will ultimately hinge on the right’s success in distracting everyone who makes less that $70,000 a year from that fact. If you think Mitt Romney’s entire platform is about anything other than The Preservation of Wealth for Those Lucky Enough to Already be Wealthy, you’re not paying attention.
What Mitt says: “We reserve our deepest respect and admiration for those who volunteer for service and give their lives to help keep our nation secure.”
What he really means: “Well, sure, that respect is deep, but just not deep enough for me to have served this wonderful nation myself, because, ha-ha, I actually got a deferment during Vietnam for my Mormon missionary work in France. You know, the same France I keep poking jingoist fun at, even though I pretended to be a conscientious objector within its borders? Anyway, my Dad didn’t serve in WWII either, since he got a deferment for working at General Motors. In fact, Dad practically won the Battle of the Bulge all by himself staying home and making sure none of the line workers ever handed out pamphlets or milled around angrily long enough to call a general strike. Of course, none of my five (5) sons have served, nor do they have any intention of doing so. I mean, sure, some unlucky asshole has to duck shrapnel in Basra, and such assholes deserve every ounce of admiration I can unconvincingly muster, as long as it doesn’t cost me or my family a dime.”
The Truth: If Mitt’s religion—the very same one that guides him today as it did then—prevented him from fighting in Vietnam on moral grounds, how can he possibly claim that as president he would ever be in a moral position to oversee the military or order troops into combat?
What Mitt says: “And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, ‘It could be worse.’ It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.”
What he really means: “I’m Mormon. He’s black. Who you voting for again?”
The Truth: Presidents are only concerned with two things: 1. pear-shaped interns, and 2. leaving a legacy of “big” ideas or actions that ensures they’ll be talked about favorably for generations. Like, you know, building a dam. Or starting a pointless ten-year war. What President Obama most likely wakes up every morning and says is, “They’re gonna hang my picture over the mantle next to JFK’s when they realize just how close we came to the hollow, sweater-vest debacle of a Romney presidency.”
What Mitt says: “I feel very deeply about the need to respect and tolerate people of different social or sexual orientation. But at the same time, I believe marriage should be preserved as an institution for one man and one woman.”
What he really means: In fact, I feel it so deeply it’s currently tickling my prostate. But wait, have you Googled my grandfather? No? Good. Like I said, I believe that marriage is between one man and many women. Particularly if you live in Utah on a dusty compound surrounded by chinless ladies, sun bonnets, and rabbit meat. State’s rights, fuckface. Go ahead and Google that, too.”
The Truth: Mitt feels very deeply about polls that show his internal programming should be reconfigured to care about an institution his religion has historically repudiated. Also, his respect includes tithing ten percent of his income to a church that donated twenty million dollars to the laughably bigoted Prop 8 in California, even though less than two percent of California residents are Mormon.
What Mitt says: “I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.”
What he really means:“If I could scum even one more false vote out of it, I’d name-drop Ol’ Dirty Bastard, too.”
The Truth: George Romney did not march with Martin Luther King. The Romney campaign has already been forced to quietly admit it. What Mitt actually saw his father do was stand next to the TV during that episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Willis and Arnold light Mr. Drummond on fire after demanding reparations.
What Mitt says: “Conservatism has had from its inception vigorously positive, intellectually rigorous agenda and thinking. That agenda should have in my three pillars: strengthen the economy, strengthen our security, and strengthen our families.”
What he really means: “I don’t need no stinking grammar or coherence to president up on your dumb asses. Read my quote again. Didn’t you hear me say families? Well, here it is on repeat, bitch: families. Strong, sweaty families. Muscular, hairy families. Have you pulled the lever yet? Well, do it again. Families. One more time. Families. Now to the left. Families. Oh, god. Oh, god, I think I’m going to vote.”
The Truth: It’s not possible for conservatism to have had anything since its inception since both its practice and meaning have changed wildly over the decades. What we call “conservatism” today is not only unrecognizable, but heretical to the conservatism of even thirty years ago, let alone when the movement was founded.
What Mitt says: “Sometimes I wonder whether Washington’s liberal politicians truly understand the greatness that is America.”
What he really means: “Greatness, of course, being a euphemism for ‘the way some people can be insanely wealthy and yet pay almost no taxes, even though it’s taxpayer-funded social services like the police department and the prison system that keep the poor from rising up, storming gated communities, and eating the flesh of the rich in the streets.”
The Truth: Yes, it’s true. By choosing to see the world through a progressive lens, Washington’s liberal politicians are not merely embracing an alternate viewpoint on how best to govern the country, but are actively seeking ways to make it as mediocre and unlivable as possible.
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