The Words Beneath The Words–Mitt Romney Translated Into English

 

What Mitt says: “America cannot continue to lead the family of nations around the world if we suffer the collapse of the family here at home.”

What he really means: “Have I blinded you with enough gay-code yet? No? Well, how about this: Alexander the Great may have conquered the world, but his empire collapsed primarily because he discovered antiquity’s first butt plug. If he’d just married and had a few kids, we’d all be speaking Macedonian right now.”

The Truth: We don’t even lead a family of our own states, let alone other countries. The only “family of nations” is across the street at Bob and Debbie’s house.

Bob and Debbie Nations

What Mitt says: “When sperm and egg unite, something goes from inanimate to animate. It is life.”

What he really means: “But that newly animated life better not apply for Head Start. Or want state-subsidized ketchup on its french fries. And when it’s a hundred thousand in debt after graduating from college, since we cynically gutted Pell grants, it better get a job at a venture capital firm pretty damn quick. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if it made the personal choice to be hetero prior to dividing into a gamete.”

The Truth: Death also begins at conception, like a clock running backward.

The sperm that gets there first is a serial killer

What Mitt says: “I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success.”

What he really means: “I’m rich, bitch. You think I’m giving any of my stack back? I worked hard for those eleven houses. And, you know, it didn’t hurt that my dad was rich, too. I mean, I still pulled myself up by my vicuna bootstraps. Nature vs. nurture and such. But it’s not like I had anything that any other hardworking American boy didn’t have, like a governor father, or private prep schools, or tutors, or summer homes, or winter homes, or even a salt of the earth name like Mitt.”

The Truth: This election is 100% about class war, and will ultimately hinge on the right’s success in distracting everyone who makes less that $70,000 a year from that fact. If you think Mitt Romney’s entire platform is about anything other than The Preservation of Wealth for Those Lucky Enough to Already be Wealthy, you’re not paying attention.

"What do I have to do today to put you in a brand new Chevy Flatus?"

What Mitt says: “We reserve our deepest respect and admiration for those who volunteer for service and give their lives to help keep our nation secure.”

What he really means: “Well, sure, that respect is deep, but just not deep enough for me to have served this wonderful nation myself, because, ha-ha, I actually got a deferment during Vietnam for my Mormon missionary work in France. You know, the same France I keep poking jingoist fun at, even though I pretended to be a conscientious objector within its borders? Anyway, my Dad didn’t serve in WWII either, since he got a deferment for working at General Motors. In fact, Dad practically won the Battle of the Bulge all by himself staying home and making sure none of the line workers ever handed out pamphlets or milled around angrily long enough to call a general strike. Of course, none of my five (5) sons have served, nor do they have any intention of doing so. I mean, sure, some unlucky asshole has to duck shrapnel in Basra, and such assholes deserve every ounce of admiration I can unconvincingly muster, as long as it doesn’t cost me or my family a dime.”

The Truth: If Mitt’s religion—the very same one that guides him today as it did then—prevented him from fighting in Vietnam on moral grounds, how can he possibly claim that as president he would ever be in a moral position to oversee the military or order troops into combat?

"Fuck, no, I didn't serve. How you doin'?"

What Mitt says: “And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, ‘It could be worse.’ It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.”

What he really means: “I’m Mormon. He’s black. Who you voting for again?”

The Truth: Presidents are only concerned with two things: 1. pear-shaped interns, and 2. leaving a legacy of “big” ideas or actions that ensures they’ll be talked about favorably for generations. Like, you know, building a dam. Or starting a pointless ten-year war. What President Obama most likely wakes up every morning and says is, “They’re gonna hang my picture over the mantle next to JFK’s when they realize just how close we came to the hollow, sweater-vest debacle of a Romney presidency.”

"Who wants fudge?"

What Mitt says: “I feel very deeply about the need to respect and tolerate people of different social or sexual orientation. But at the same time, I believe marriage should be preserved as an institution for one man and one woman.”

What he really means: In fact, I feel it so deeply it’s currently tickling my prostate. But wait, have you Googled my grandfather? No? Good. Like I said, I believe that marriage is between one man and many women. Particularly if you live in Utah on a dusty compound surrounded by chinless ladies, sun bonnets, and rabbit meat. State’s rights, fuckface. Go ahead and Google that, too.”

The Truth: Mitt feels very deeply about polls that show his internal programming should be reconfigured to care about an institution his religion has historically repudiated. Also, his respect includes tithing ten percent of his income to a church that donated twenty million dollars to the laughably bigoted Prop 8 in California, even though less than two percent of California residents are Mormon.

"Quick, protect marriage from that godless lesbian couple across the street. Even though they have a daughter who we sometimes have over for play-dates. And they helped me jump start my Lexus that one time. And gave us peach chutney for Christmas even though we didn't give them anything. Actually, you know what? They're pretty cool when you start talking to them and...oh, fuck it. As long as they invite us to the reception."

What Mitt says: “I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.”

What he really means:“If I could scum even one more false vote out of it, I’d name-drop Ol’ Dirty Bastard, too.”

The Truth: George Romney did not march with Martin Luther King. The Romney campaign has already been forced to quietly admit it. What Mitt actually saw his father do was stand next to the TV during that episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Willis and Arnold light Mr. Drummond on fire after demanding reparations.

"I watched my father and ODB get their grills waxed together once too."

What Mitt says: “Conservatism has had from its inception vigorously positive, intellectually rigorous agenda and thinking. That agenda should have in my three pillars: strengthen the economy, strengthen our security, and strengthen our families.”

What he really means: “I don’t need no stinking grammar or coherence to president up on your dumb asses. Read my quote again. Didn’t you hear me say families? Well, here it is on repeat, bitch: families. Strong, sweaty families. Muscular, hairy families. Have you pulled the lever yet? Well, do it again. Families. One more time. Families. Now to the left. Families. Oh, god. Oh, god, I think I’m going to vote.”

The Truth: It’s not possible for conservatism to have had anything since its inception since both its practice and meaning have changed wildly over the decades. What we call “conservatism” today is not only unrecognizable, but heretical to the conservatism of even thirty years ago, let alone when the movement was founded.

Would put on a skirt and shoot himself in the face if he were even dimly aware that Donald Trump existed.

What Mitt says: “Sometimes I wonder whether Washington’s liberal politicians truly understand the greatness that is America.”

What he really means: “Greatness, of course, being a euphemism for ‘the way some people can be insanely wealthy and yet pay almost no taxes, even though it’s taxpayer-funded social services like the police department and the prison system that keep the poor from rising up, storming gated communities, and eating the flesh of the rich in the streets.”

The Truth: Yes, it’s true. By choosing to see the world through a progressive lens, Washington’s liberal politicians are not merely embracing an alternate viewpoint on how best to govern the country, but are actively seeking ways to make it as mediocre and unlivable as possible.

"If only we could go back to that glorious time of unfettered freedoms and liberties when every American was accorded respect for their beliefs, and any hard-working man and his many wives could wade up to their ankles in tyrant's blood any time they wanted."

 

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About Sean Beaudoin

Sean Beaudoin (@seanbeaudoin) is the author of You Killed Wesley Payne and The Infects. His latest novel is the punk rock opus Wise Young Fool. His stories and articles have appeared in numerous publications, including: The Onion, The San Francisco Chronicle, Al-Jazeera and Spirit-the inflight magazine of Southwest Airlines. He frequently ends his bio with an ironic or self-deprecating personal comment.
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30 Responses to The Words Beneath The Words–Mitt Romney Translated Into English

  1. Joe Daly Joe says:

    Well said, man. Anyone on the electoral fence needs to read this asap.

  2. Hankle says:

    That was pretty entertaining. Makes me want to see Mitt to be elected, so that Sean can beat him up twice a week.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      That would be a silver lining. But by then all our assets will have been traded in for gold.

      Thanks for commenting!

  3. Mike Reed says:

    I’ve been a member of the choir since the time of George.
    After all the fiction/faction/myth I’ve read of Alexander, not to mention my own ideal (idol?) of him, it’s hard to know where this fits. But, it seems as if he did marry Roxanne and may have had offspring by her…possibly as a surrogate for Hephaestion. Butt plugs notwithstanding, Macedonian would probably be preferable to Mormon.

  4. Richard says:

    Dude. You are funny. And spot on. States’ rights, fuckface!

  5. Art Edwards says:

    It’s infuriating what we’re forced to endure with this guy. His whole goal is to try and say nothing for six months, blame liberals (which will no doubt quickly become “extremists”) when someone calls him on it, and hope the economy and SuperPacs conspire to destroy his challenger. I’ve never thought Obama was some surrogate of me (he owns stock in McDonald’s, for Christ’s sake), but I believe his beliefs are as close to my beliefs as any president is likely to be in my lifetime. I will be throwing down for him between now and November, however I can.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      Obama has not even begun to fight. Nor will he have to, because Iran is getting attacked between now and Election Day, which means Mitt is toast.

      A guy worth $250 million who owns 11 houses and amassed his fortune by laying off lesser-compensated workers strikes me as perhaps not the right candidate for this moment in history.

  6. Erika Rae says:

    Sean, personally I think you’d make the best president ever. Except for the obvious problem of nobody being able to pronounce your last name. What? That was just me? Nevermind.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      His last name is pronounced “Connery.” Which makes him even more likely to be the best president ever.

      • Sean Beaudoin Sean Beaudoin says:

        I’m fairly sure they wouldn’t get through my sophomore year of high school during the vetting process without declaring my electability as zero.

  7. Zara says:

    I still laugh when I think about a recent survey where something like 18% of Americans think Mitt Romney’s first name is actually ‘Mittens.’
    Mittens.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      And twice that think Obama, a guy who has now taken out Bin Laden and Qaddafi and various Somali pirates, and presided over the death of Kim Jung Il; the most egregiously pro-Empire US president in recent memory, is somehow a Muslim double agent.

      Mitt’s first name is actually Dammitt.

  8. Richard says:

    Amercia! Fuck yeah!

  9. The part about Mitt and the military really hit home. What am I to do? I dislike Obama and Romney. Do I flip a coin? They both suck ass.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      I could make solid arguments for sticking with the known commodity, and list his many accomplishments, but you’re in Cali, which Obama is not in any danger of losing, so you should just write in Sponge Bob and be done with it. ; )

  10. Oh, man, Mitt was here in Bakersfield yesterday. This area is very conservative.

    I’m sure people can make solid arguments for either side. And, I think the Mitt people are making the biggest fools of themselves with their Mormon aristocrat candidate. Personally, I’m really tired of politics. I want to be Spongebob. I want Spongebob to also be my father and governor. See? I don’t know what I want.

    • Captain Weekling says:

      When I was in college, my three housemates were for Bush/Quayle, while I was for Clinton/Gore. Outnumbered and outvoted, I watched as they hung a giant banner in our window, thus guaranteeing that no woman would set foot in our house until the election was over. A vote for Mitt is a vote for celibacy.

      • Hahaha. Oh man, that is funny. But probably true come to think of it. :/

        Hey, thanks for sending me a note. I need reminders to come read articles. Email, Twitter or Facebook. Thanks for sending the one you did. This site is great. I hope it really takes off.

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