How to Vote Right: Chris Christie

There’s simply too much riding on the 2016 Presidential election to be intimidated by its vast field of candidates. So in the spirit of true post-partisanship, the Weeklings has decided to help America vote right. Over the course of this 8-part series kicking off with the Iowa Caucuses and running through the New Hampshire primary, we break down our favorite Republican contenders, and tell you exactly who’s worth pulling the lever for.

 

You should vote for Chris Christie because, much like Charlie Brown (or more accurately Lucy) everyone hates him.

Bruce hates him.  It has to suck to be Governor of New Jersey while actively hated by The Boss. Especially when you’ve attended 138 Springsteen concerts over the years, twirling in a haze around various Trenton parking lots during the encore to “Thunder Road”, oozing the sweat of ill-considered snacks and chopped Camaros in kind, trying to commune with your greatest musical hero on even a chord-to-chord level, all to no avail.

An astounding sixty-nine percent of New Jersey voters think Chris Christie would make a lousy president. When nearly three-quarters of your own constituents would rather have Ben Carson represent them, you may be doing something wrong.

The Mafia hates Chris Christie. Except, you know, when they love him.

Bobby Jindal, who dropped out of the race a month ago and is notoriously loathed in his home state of Louisiana, still has a better favorability rating than Chris Christie.

Anyone who’s every driven in or out of Manhattan, or been stuck on the George Washington Bridge for six ours on a whim, hates Chris Christie.

For some reason I keep mistakenly typing Christ Christie. So there’s the whole martyrdom angle. The thing is, a lot of people don’t like Christ that much either. Of course, they’re all apostates, evolution pushers, and socialists, so who cares?

Speaking of which, Evangelicals hate Chris Christie for at least eight really convincing reasons, including having used the phrase “homosexuality is not a sin,” and his tendency toward “being willing to compromise.”

The Republican establishment hates Chris Christie for hugging Obama. He’s a pariah for showing his president a brief flash of respect. For, in a moment of crisis, reaching across the aisle, let along POTUS-spine, to overcome an environmental disaster in a way that best benefited all Americans. Traitor!

President Barack Obama walks with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie in Newark, N.J., as they returned from Paterson, N.J., after viewing damage caused by Hurricane Irene, Sunday, Sept. 4, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Pigs hate Chris Christie. And no, that’s not a cheap joke. It’s pure political cynicism on a breathtaking level.

On the other hand, everyone loves a fat man. Except all of national media, the entire fitness and dietary community, late night comedians, Jake, and anyone who reads newspapers or magazines that feature misleading and unethically Photoshopped pictures of models, which basically means every newspaper or magazine ever printed.

Which, I submit, is an excellent reason to vote Chris Christie. Enough with the fat jokes, already. Would he be a good President, based on his ideology and grasp of the issues, or not?

Hey, Chris Christie, here’s a way to win the election: stop listening to your handlers and focus group experts. Release a series of policy papers that advocates the rescue of Social Security and Medicare, institutes reasonable gun control, enacts banking reform, makes huge investments in infrastructure and alternative energy sources, ends tax cuts for the super wealthy, reduces international military commitments, invests in education, and makes a commitment to improving Obamacare instead of continually trying to repeal it. You know why? The vast majority of Americans want these things, both Democrat and Republican. A Republican candidate who showed the fortitude to buck the far right and evangelical base by embracing common-sense policy would have the potential to draw huge numbers of conservative Democrats. They’d be incredibly popular for taking tough stances on real issues instead of talking about nebulous, unachievable things like “Defeating terrorism” and “Making America great again.” What we really need is an anti-Bush Doctrine, anti-Neoconservative, anti-God-pandering Republican candidate that both Republicans and Democrats have been dying to vote for since Reagan.

Chris Christie could be that person. He’s got the strength and bluster to fight off attacks. He has a national profile that buys him as a tough negotiator and a man unwilling to compromise on his beliefs, regardless of the truth of those things. He’s smart and experienced and seems to have a heart beneath the acerbic quotes and flared temper. And yet he won’t do it. Which is a shame, because a man with an air of natural gravitas, no matter how genuine, is rare in politics. A man with a quick tongue who looks like a combination of your most feared uncle and a famous opera baritone is rarer still. Combine that in the person of a former DA who secured high profile convictions against corrupt politicians in both parties, and you have a natural candidate.

Chris Christie should probably be your man.

And have your vote.

If only you didn’t hate him.

 

NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 24: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie stands during a press conference with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (not pictured) to announce the initial findings from their joint review of security protocols, in response to growing, global terrorism, for New Jersey and New York during a press conference on September 24, 2014 at 7 World Trade Center in New York, NY. Last week, Christie and Cuomo requested a bi-state review of current safety and security protocols in response to the increased global terrorism threat and today, ten days later, they announced their initial findings as well as signed a memorandum of understanding to increase security for New Jersey and New York. (Photo by Bryan Thomas/Getty Images)

Sean Beaudoin

About Sean Beaudoin

Sean Beaudoin (@seanbeaudoin) is the author of five novels, including The Infects and Wise Young Fool. His new short story collection, Welcome Thieves, is just out with Algonquin Books.
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