Last night, Weeklings editors Sean Beaudoin and Greg Olear met in a dank basement over a bottle of Wild Turkey and two boxes of Swisher Sweets to conduct a very special NFL mock draft. Their selections were made in the precise order as the draft being held at Radio City Music Hall tonight. They alternated choices, picking who they thought each team SHOULD choose, instead of will choose, based on specific personnel needs. The only rule was that there were no rules.
Sean won the coin toss for the first pick and handled the odd numbered teams. Greg handled evens. Just as with the real draft, there was a strict fifteen minute time-limit per selection.
Sean is on the clock starting…now.
1. Houston Texans
A lot of people think the Texans’ needs for a quarterback are so dire after cutting Matt Schaub this offseason that they’re definitely taking controversial Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel. I disagree. I think they’re going with 19th century German philosopher and noted pessimist Arthur Schopenhauer. They can definitely incorporate World as Will and Representation into what is otherwise a moribund playbook in Houston, and the smart money says that Schopenhauer, with a clever use of razor-sharp rhetoric and dialectical analysis, not to mention a renewed reliance on the vertical passing game, leads the Texans back to the playoffs in his very first season.
2. St. Louis Rams
St. Louis really needs help on the O-line, so they go with Sean Hannity. If he can defend Cliven Bundy, he can defend Rams’ quarterback Sam Bradford.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars are a franchise on a permanent downward slide. They need help at virtually every position, particularly QB, RB, and all along the defensive line. When a shake-up is in order, it’s time to think outside the box, and so it says here the Jaguars ignore Clemson WR Sammy Watkins, instead jumping all over Barbarella-era Jane Fonda. Hanoi Jane would look great on the Jags depleted roster.
4. Cleveland Browns
“God hates Cleveland,” Bill Simmons likes to say. Not true! Cleveland suffers from a curse, much like Boston did when it spurned Babe Ruth. Through a system of taxation rapacious enough to make even socialists take heart, they drove homegrown rich guy John D. Rockefeller, Sr., to New York. In a related story, New York has many more sports championships than does Cleveland, which last won in…um…er…anyway, as fabulous as Jadeveon Clowney would look in orange and brown, Rocky’s the pick.
5. Oakland Raiders
Over the years, the Raiders have made more ill-advised and dead-wrong draft day choices than almost every other team in the league combined. Except maybe the Cowboys. Sebastian “Sea Bass” Janikowski at #17? Darrius Heyward-Bey at #9? And who could forget JaMarcus “Grape soda-and-cough syrup” Russell as the #1 overall pick? Al Davis was in love with speed, even if his speedy players couldn’t actually do anything but run in a straight line, and even though Big Al is no longer with us, the Raiders stay true to form here, surprising not only their fans but every other team in the NFL by selecting a Family Style box of pepperoni and X-tra cheddar Hot Pockets with the fifth pick.
6. Atlanta Falcons
The A-T-L had a down year. The falcon could not hear the falconer. The center did not hold. Actually, that’s not true; the center was called for holding at least once a game. And that was part of the problem. Which is why they select The Hold Steady.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs need a quarterback after giving up on Josh Freeman during the middle of last season. But they’re not enamored with Blake Bortles, Teddy Bridgewater, or any of the young gunslingers left. Instead, the look to shore up their linebackers corps, inexplicably passing on Buffalo LB phenom Khalil Mack and instead select The Swedish Angel from Mighty Joe Young.
8. Minnesota Vikings
They take Oprah Winfrey, betting that someone so good in The Color Purple will be just as good in the color purple.
9. Buffalo Bills’
Buffalo has a major PR problem. For one thing, they’ve stunk for two decades. For another, rumors have them moving to Los Angeles soon. So in an inspired and unexpected move, the Bills surprise NFL insiders by scooping up a ton of experience, knowledge, and gritty play in the form of 1974 Steve Garvey’s chin. Says GM Doug Whaley: “A lot of people thought we’d make the safe pick here and go with someone like Easter Illinois’ Jimmy Garoppalo, but we’re ecstatic that 1974 Steve Garvey’s chin was still available. 1974 Steve Garvey’s chin has all the attributes you want in a leader, and we feel it’s going to pretty much own the clubhouse from day one. 1974 Steve Garvey’s chin just brings certain intangibles to the table that a full-bodied quarterback often does not. 1974 Steve Garvey’s chin is going to open a lot of eyes around the league next season.” As of this writing, there has been no word from 1974 Steve Garvey’s cleft if it will be joining the chin for OTAs this summer.
10. Detroit Lions
The squad had a (deserved) rep for playing dirty last year. They need what the French call le nettoyeur. The best one available is Winston Wolfe.
11. Tennessee Titans
Tennessee cut Chris Johnson, who was immediately picked up by the Jets, and so are in dire need of a running back. After years of the mercurial Johnson’s reliance on speed, sweeps, and an unwillingness to pick up tough yards between the tackles, Titans brass intends to transition to the power running game. Which is why they are tickled that Tundro, the rhino-like space beast from The Herculoids, falls to them at #11.
12. New York Giants
Eli Manning looked shellshocked last year. He needs something to keep him calm in the pocket: a new blend of marijuana called “The East Rutherford.” So, yeah, the G-Men grab a bag of weed.
13. St. Louis Rams
It was well known around the league that Rams brass had their eye on one player and one player only at the thirteenth spot, and cheers could be heard all the way to the Branson casinos when GM Les Snead submitted the name Susan Sontag to the commissioner. Interviewed afterward, Snead had this to say: “Sontag is a beast. She can do the dirty work in the trenches. She’s incredibly strong, has a non-stop motor, and is a great presence in the locker room. Oh, and she’s amazingly stout against the run, often occupying multiple blockers. We feel like she’s going to be a fixture on our D-line for a decade to come.”
14. Chicago Bears
The question is, did God create da Bears and make dem superior to all udder teams, or is He simply a huge fan and Ditka made them superior to all udder teams? That was cute while it lasted, but Iron Mike is kaput, and God is dead. They need a new hero to worship, AND a new middle linebacker to take over for Urlacher. The Mighty Thor has what it takes to play in December at Soldier Field.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers
Although he managed exactly zero reps in the bench press, boasted a 4-inch vertical leap, and ran a miserable 27:07 in the 40-yard dash, apparently the Steelers aren’t worried about famed piano prodigy Glenn Gould‘s combine measurables. The slightly unstable Gould, known for his lightning keyboard runs, particularly while interpreting the polyphonic textures of Johann Sebastian Bach, is a lock to soon take over for aging Hall of Fame safety Troy Polomalu. Steelers brass are betting that Gould’s unorthodox readings of Liszt and Schumann will go a long way to slowing down AFC North wideouts.
16. Dallas Cowboys
In all seriousness, what the ‘Boys need is V. Stiviano to record Jerry Jones making racist comments. And yes, I stole that joke from our UPS guy, who is a big Cowboys fan.
17. Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore is a likely trade partner for the San Francisco 49ers, as coach John Harbaugh would like to move back and acquire additional picks, and 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh is desperate to dip into the middle of the round for an impact wide receiver. Which is exactly what happens. The 49ers surrender two second round picks (#56 and #61) for the right to select economist and former Obama financial adviser Austan Goolsbee, whose precise route-running and reliable hands in the slot may just be enough to return them to the Super Bowl.
18. New York Jets
To compensate for signing (rehabilitated) canine killer Mike Vick, the J-E-T-S dip into the dog pound with their selection: Scooby Doo.
19. Miami Dolphins
The commissioner is forced to step in here after Miami attempts to solve multiple problems by selecting both Olsen Twins. Dolphins management argues that since the twins combined body weight is still under 110 pounds, they should be considered one pick. Roger Goodell rules that twins are off limits as a single selection, which sends reverberations down the line to teams who have yet to make their selection, as it’s well known that the Seahawks had their eye on the Winklevosses, and Bill Belichick is known to be enamored with Vin and Bob Diesel. After a brief protest, the Bills decide to go with Eight is Enough’s Adam Rich, figuring he will be a boon on special teams and in their return game.
20. Arizona Cardinals
They take Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. Ever since he left the Vatican, he’s been wanting to be a Cardinal again.
21. Green Bay Packers
Last season, the Packers were one of the worst teams against the run in the league. While Aaron Rodgers put up his usual numbers, the defense couldn’t stop anyone. And although they still have Pro Bowl linebacker Clay Matthews on the roster, Green Bay is desperate for some run-stuffing D-linemen in the middle. They need bulk, and they need it nasty. Which is why choosing Rosie O’Donnell’s Morning Breath is a no-brainer. Guaranteed to stop even top-end running backs in their tracks, Rosie O’Donnell’s Morning Breath, with its notes of gouda, Pabst, bacon, Dr. Pepper, and garlic fries, is a guaranteed threat to bring any ground game to a full stop.
22. Philadelphia Eagles
They cut DeSean Jackson is a sneaky sort of way, implying that he’s in a gang to save face (and save money). So Nick Folean Dynamite needs someone else to throw to. Which explains the choice of Jorge Posada.
23. Kansas City Chiefs
New QB Alex Smith had a decent year, leading the Chiefs to the playoffs through smart decision-making, limiting interceptions, and running through his progressions like the acknowledged “game manager” that he is. And although they have one of the league’s best backs in Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs could really use an injection of offensive swagger here. Which is why they reach out and nab Till Lindemann, lead singer of German Industrial noise band Rammstein. Says team president Andy Reid, “We just think Lindemann adds a spark we’ve been lacking. Whether through his willingness to make rock videos of rooms of naked, oily men crawling all over one another, or the desire to sing an entire set dressed like Ronald McDonald if Ronald McDonald were not, in fact, the beloved clownish spokesman for a world-wide food concern but were actually a Berlin serial killer. In any case, we think Lindemann’s just what the doctor ordered as far as keeping our offense on its toes.”
24. Cincinnati Bengals
Andy Dalton is an above-average quarterback named like a banking scion who plays lacrosse for Princeton. You can’t win with guys like that. The Bungles take
this list of the 50 Greatest Pro Football Names of All Time, and promptly change Dalton’s name to Doak Walker.
25. San Diego Chargers
The smart money here says the Chargers draft Ryan Leaf. Again.
26. Cleveland Browns
With owner Jimmy Haslam–who paid a whopping $1 billion for the sad-sack franchise in 2012 — in hot water with the feds for fraud, the Brownies need 1) someone above reproach, and 2) a really good lawyer. They get both at #26, taking Atticus Finch.
27. New Orleans Saints
Watching football in New Orleans is sort of like collecting sand buckets in Dubai. There’s just better stuff to do. The Saints won a Super Bowl a few years back, didn’t they? Or was that something I dreamed while lying in an alley on Magazine street sleeping off my ninth hurricane? In any case, it really makes no difference who the Saints select. Even notoriously eccentric owner Tom Benson, who often dances alone with an umbrella after home wins, said after being reached by phone, “Y’all are bothering me. You can draft Richard Ramirez for all I care. Click.” Which is why the Saints dig deep and select Devil Robert DeNiro from Angelheart. Rumor is some elements within the organization made a last-second push for Skinny Lisa Bonet, but DeNiro intoned Alistair Crowley and then sacrificed a goat at the 50 yard line, ensuring the nod.
28. Carolina Panthers
Are we sure Carolina and Jacksonville aren’t the same team? I always have to stop and think which one’s which, and then I remember that the Panthers have Cam Newton and “Riverboat Ron” Rivera at head coach. The latter acquired the nickname for his newfound propensity to take what NFL traditionalists consider “risks,” but analysts good at probability know are “no brainers.” In the draft, Carolina goes to the brainiac well, selecting chess master Judit Polgár.
29. New England Patriots
The Patriots have everything they need for another Super Bowl run. Namely, Tom Brady and eleven other guys. Coach Bill Belichick is, in fact, so confident that he blows off the draft entirely and takes a three day roadie with some of his boys to Dollywood. In the meantime, Robert Kraft, still stinging after Vladimir Putin stole his last Super Bowl ring, has no idea whom to draft. After a frenzied consult with scouts, the Patriots take a flyer on the “She Said” half of Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me, Baby?” video. A statement released by Kraft confirms the selection with this brief comment: “She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true.”
30. San Francisco 49ers
If there’s gold in them that hills, no one in the Niners organization has found it, although I guess you could argue that Colin Kaepernick is worth his weight in bullion. With this late first-round pick, San Fran corrects the precious metals problem, scoring a gold solidus of the Byzantine Empress Irene, which routinely sells for over five grand at auction.
31. Denver Broncos
Payton Manning had one of the worst performances in football history in the 2013 Super Bowl, where his Broncos were absolutely destroyed by the Seattle Seahawks in virtually every facet of the game. Offense, defense, special teams, coaching, and halftime snacks. Where does a man go from there? How does even a Hall of Fame quarterback live that ignominy down? Not on the football field. Team president John Elway, no stranger years of mortifying failure in his own right, sums it thusly: “Football? Screw football. What Payton needs is to get his head on straight. Rebuild his confidence. He just needs a good talking-to.” Which is why, with the second-to-last pick in the first round of the draft, the Broncos select Dr. Jennifer Melfi to help Peyton through this “difficult psychological adjustment period.”
32. Seattle Seahawks
With no glaring football need, the champs take Dr. Robert, of Revolver fame, who will keep prescribing them Adderall.
And that’s it. Round one is complete. Return to this space tomorrow, where Greg and Sean mock every single pick through the seventh round, and then do another 6k words on undrafted free agent signings.